I closed the door, physically and psychically on the bill collector and on my history of living my life to please others.
For years, I had depended on my family, my friends, my husband and my community to provide me with a framework within which to live my life – and it hadn’t worked. Instead, the framework was crumbling around me. As a young mother with two little girls and no job experience or skills, my bank account was empty, the car had been repossessed, my husband had abdicated all responsibility and put his head in a bottle. Now, a bill collector was knock, knock, knocking on my door. It was up to me to answer.
I turn the stone of my one-quarter carat engagement ring inward, toward the palm of my hand to hide it from the ogre at the door. I fight to steady my shaky knees and fluttering heart. Without really knowing how or what or why, I do it. I stand there on my doorstep and tell him that he is wasting his time. I will pay whatever and whenever I can. That’s it. I firmly close the door.
Then, as I slowly make my way back to the sofa in the living room, I feel my formless fear and anger coalesce. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel a new, growing force and a determination to do something positive. It seems like I have been waiting all of my life for someone or some thing to show me the way. Now, I realize it’s time to stop accepting and adapting to circumstances and begin to shape my own existence – to follow my own dreams, paint my own pictures.
Thinking back, I realize that this single moment years ago, was far more cataclysmic than I realized as it was happening. From some place deep within my subconscious I heard it spoken, “Myrna, you are a survivor” …and I knew it was true.
from “Stages of Life” by Myrna Leigh